I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
