Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
