So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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