Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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