Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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