he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
