I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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