Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
