Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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