i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
