Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
