mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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