guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
from now on my penis is your penis
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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