So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
