Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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