I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
