how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
