WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
