I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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