I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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