I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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