her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
