i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
