Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
