i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
