remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
