I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
