News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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