Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
