That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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