Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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