i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
