I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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