so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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