I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just forgot I was standing up.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
