Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Randomize
