Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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