TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
