"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
