i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
