o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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