I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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