If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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