Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
