I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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