so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
