I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
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That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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