he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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