Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
