What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
