I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
