I CAN MOONWALK!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
