I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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