I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Pants are for mortals
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
