Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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