Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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